he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
