you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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