Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
