Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
