Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
