I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
