i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
birth control should be required to get into college
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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