I just threw up on my dentist
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
