I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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