I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
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