My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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