Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
