I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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