Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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