cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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