my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I AM VODKA MAN
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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