Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
