If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
