I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
