nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
