Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
