if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
