It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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