He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
