I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
