Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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