if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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