just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
