im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
