She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
