Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
