i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
