I wish my penis had an off switch
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
