You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
