Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Randomize
