Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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