I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
