woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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