you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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