I'm so fucking centered right now
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
