I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
