textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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