There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
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