hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize