Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
