Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I accidentally had phone sex last night
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
