I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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