Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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