I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
