I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
