I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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