you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
