Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
