I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
you had me at cake vodka
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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