Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
