Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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