im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
pop tarts are not kleenex
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
