I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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