i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
