I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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