and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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