I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
