Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
