chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Randomize
