I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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