He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
