I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize